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  22

  When she and Hans returned home after meeting with Irene Gerritsen, Petra hugged her mother. “Thank you so much, Mom.”

  Cora waved her away. “Don’t be silly, darling. We like to pitch in. You can always count on us.”

  Hans shook his father-in-law’s hand. “I promise you that tomorrow evening you are off the hook, unless someone else needs you. But we won’t bother you again.”

  Aad grinned. “If children and grandchildren were a burden to us, we would have a big problem. We do it because we love to do it. You can always call on us. Tomorrow, the day after, even later tonight. That’s what grandparents are for.”

  “And we truly appreciate that.”

  “Niels, please come down and say good-bye to your grandparents,” Petra called upstairs to Niels, who was playing a video game in his room. He came downstairs right away, gave his grandparents each a kiss on the cheek, and went back upstairs.

  “You get to play for ten more minutes,” Petra yelled after him. “Then it’s time to brush your teeth and go to bed. Its nine thirty already, mister!”

  After Petra’s parents left, Hans walked straight into the kitchen. “I’m having a beer. You want something stronger?”

  As she walked to the living room, she mumbled something that sounded like a yes.

  “White or red?”

  “Better make it red tonight. Just leave the glass in the kitchen, because I still need to check on Niels first.”

  Hans poured the glass of wine, put the glass on the kitchen counter, and took his beer into the living room.

  Right at that moment, Niels came downstairs. Seemingly at ease, he sat down comfortably on the couch and looked at them both questioningly. “So? Did Irene say anything about me?”

  Hans shrugged his shoulders casually. “Nothing for you to worry about, buddy. Besides, it’s late. You need your rest, and we’ll talk about it some more tomorrow. We just did a little catching up with her.” He made direct eye contact with Niels and hoped that would help take away any concern or unrest his son might be feeling. Niels appeared relaxed, but after the conversation with Wim Kuipers the night before and the one tonight with Irene Gerritsen, he wasn’t so sure how to read his son’s body language anymore. It felt like it was becoming more and more difficult to gauge his own son.

  Resigned, Niels got up. “Okay then, good night.” He gave Hans a kiss and walked upstairs with Petra.

  When Petra came back downstairs, she noticed Hans had turned the TV on. Even though their house was never very noisy, Niels would be able to hear that it was on. And that was exactly what they wanted. They wanted to give him the reassuring feeling that nothing in the house had changed.

  After fifteen minutes, Petra snuck back upstairs and quickly returned. “He’s asleep,” she said, sounding slightly relieved as she took her first sip of red wine that evening.

  “Thank God for that. I would hate to think that he would be just as worried about what Irene tells us as we are. The conversations with her and Wim Kuipers have left me with a bad feeling. Apparently, we didn’t notice that Niels was developing a defense mechanism, and because of that we’re somehow failing as parents. Of course, there is the excuse that we don’t see him all day, but still? I’m having a hard time with it.” He put his hand over his eyes and dropped his head down. “It’s driving me crazy. That we, of all people, with our best intentions, are the ones ruining it for him. The worst part is that I am not even entirely convinced we’re doing such a bad job. Why is it so ridiculous that we give our son his way more often than we use to? He has been through hell. Is it so horrible that we let him slide when it comes to his tasks around the house and whatever else? Are we such bad parents because we try to give him extra attention and love?” He let out a deep sigh and took another sip of beer. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

  “That’s okay, too,” Petra said, deliberately in a very neutral tone. She realized now that the conversations had affected him far deeper than she had thought at first. Many of his pent-up emotions suddenly seemed to be looking for a way out. She had become a little defensive herself when Wim Kuipers started to talk about their personal feelings. First Liesbeth and now him. She knew she needed to talk to Hans, so they could find out from each other exactly what they were feeling and what was on their minds, but first she wanted to discuss the conversation with Irene.

  “I think you may be taking it a little too far,” she continued in the same tone. “It’s not like our way is bad, there isn’t one ‘right’ way to do things, but what Irene has done here, in a very subtle way, is to give us some very useful tips to help us make some improvements. And hear me clearly when I say tips. If we make a few small adjustments, we will be on the right track in no time at all.”

  “That’s all well and good, but more and more I’m beginning to get the feeling that we are at a complete standstill. Even Irene, no matter how good she is at what she does and how good her intentions are. I still think it’s her job to find out what Niels is hiding, and so far, she hasn’t succeeded.”

  “That isn’t her only job. She needs to make sure that he will recover mentally, that he finds a way to manage the trauma. That could take some time. If we move too fast, it could have terrible consequences for Niels.”

  “Even more terrible than what he experiences now? His development seems to be a complete standstill. Since he started speaking with Irene, he hasn’t spoken a word about what this is really all about!”

  “Oh, really?” Petra responded harshly. “Be glad that he is functioning normally. There are undoubtedly examples out there of children who have experienced huge setbacks after their trauma. What if he needed intensive therapy of daily medication? Have you thought about that?”

  Hans froze in his seat. “You’re right, but I’m not really interested in other people at the moment. I’m only interested in us,” he mumbled after her words sank in.

  “From what I understand from what Irene told me,” Petra said, “his insecurity stems from feeling unsafe. That insecurity is making him somewhat unstable. At the same time his self-control has developed strongly, which keeps him from crossing the line when he loses his temper. I don’t know how he does it. It has to feel like an emotional rollercoaster to him.”

  “Depending on how far his self-control goes. If we can believe Wim’s stories.”

  “Yes, and that is why I think that we shouldn’t try to change or control his emotions or energy, but instead allow him to find his own way to release it. Maybe in sports or something.”

  Hans nodded. He hadn’t thought about it like that. After all, he worked with the human body every day and knew more than most people how important it was to find a balance between body and mind. “Maybe a fighter sport, like judo or karate? It could serve as an outlet for his frustrations, but also help him to gain more self-confidence, because he will learn to defend himself both mentally and physically. It could bring him more structure, and he can learn to control his fear.”

  “Exactly.” Petra was relieved that they were back on the same page and that they had thought of something solid that they could do to help Niels. It was the end of November, and, with an eye on the upcoming holidays, she suggested letting him start attending a judo or karate school in January.

  It was getting quite late, and even though they had each individually intended to talk about their own problems tonight, they were both exhausted. Besides, this decision had brought them some temporary relief, and now all they wanted to do was to snuggle up together and try to get a good night’s sleep.

  23

  December

  Cora entered the room carrying two full plates in her hands. Because her mother had her back straight and walked in as if she never did anything else but serve full plates of food all day like a roadside waitress, Petra smiled at her with some sympathy. Cora tried so hard to make it cozy and fun for everyone. She was afraid for a moment when her mother lost her balance and almost bumped into a chair. Her attempts to
make this Christmas perfect came across a little clumsy, but it didn’t matter. She meant well.

  Normally, they celebrated Christmas Eve with Petra’s sister, Laura, and her husband and their children at their parents’ house. Hans’s parents were no longer alive and his brothers usually celebrated Christmas with their in-laws. Because Hans and his brothers didn’t want to lose touch, they all usually got together on Boxing Day for a cup of coffee and then went for a bite to eat together afterward. Keeping with the family tradition, Petra’s mother always handed out the presents to the family on Christmas Eve and everyone spent the night. To Cora, this was one of the highlights of the year, even if she would never admit to it publicly. Right before the big party for the children started, she always made sure she served plates full of delicious snacks and goodies. Each year her daughters offered to help her with this, but their offers to help were always denied in a very friendly but stern way. She made the food and handed out the presents. That’s how it had always been, and as far as she was concerned it was always going to stay that way. Aad stayed as far away as possible from any and all of the discussions. He was fine with it all, as long as everyone was happy.

  But this year Hans and Petra’s idea to celebrate the holiday at their house instead of her house had been received well. Everyone understood that it would be nice for Niels if he could retreat to his own room if needed to.

  Cora kneeled down in front of the tree. She had to search for a while and adjust to the fact that it wasn’t her living room or her own Christmas tree. When she found what she was looking for, she got up and walked over to her husband. “This one is for Grandpa.”

  Aad rubbed his hands together excitedly. “See, we’re starting exactly in the right order.” He grinned defiantly at his grandson. “Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn eventually, son.”

  Cora slowed her pace. “Oh, wait a minute. I made a mistake. This one is for … Niels.”

  Aad acted as if he was very disappointed, while Niels and the other children laughed loudly at their grandfather. Hans had seen the joke coming from miles away and enjoyed his son’s reaction.

  Cora handed Niels the present.

  “Probably a ball—it’s easy to see. Not very exciting,” Aad said, acting semi-hurt, which got a few chuckles from the room.

  Niels ripped through the wrapping paper enthusiastically; it was a small and almost flat present. His eyes lit up instantly when he saw what he had received. “Tiger Troopers! Cool! That’s such a fun game!” Triumphantly, he held up the cover of the computer game. His younger cousins zeroed in quickly. “Let me see, let me see!”

  “That looks like an exciting new game for your Game Boy, son,” said Aad.

  Niels dramatically collapsed in his seat and sighed loudly. “This game is for PlayStation 3, Grandpa!”

  “They’re too old for a Game Boy, Dad,” Laura said, giggling.

  Hans winked at Niels. “That grandfather of yours is really something, buddy. He really doesn’t get it!”

  Aad raised his arms, as if to surrender. “Fine, go ahead and make fun of me!”

  Again the room filled with laughter. Hans and Petra glanced at each other. Everyone was having a great time tonight.

  The overall mood was perfect, and Niels seemed to enjoy every second of it. Niels also played well with his two cousins, even if they were a little younger than him. He let them play with his gifts, which never lasted long, because they had to keep unwrapping their own presents as well. Little Maaike was jumping up and down with her My Little Pony and Koen played with his new Lego set.

  “Okay, let me see for a minute,” Cora said while she looked for the right name on a present. “We just had a present for Koen and Maaike … That means we have another one for Niels.”

  “Unbelievable,” Aad grumbled, shaking his head. “It’s like Santa only thought about him.”

  “Santa doesn’t exist, Grandpa,” Niels said, being a smart aleck.

  Aad looked around the room worriedly. “I wouldn’t say that too loud, son. I hope he didn’t hear you.”

  Everyone chuckled again.

  Niels tore the paper off the large rectangular gift.

  “Wow,” Hans said when he could see what the gift was. “It’s one player from each of the twelve best soccer teams in the world, all in their original jerseys!”

  Niels held the box with all the action figures in his hands awkwardly. Even though he was a big fan of the Dutch team, he showed no emotion in his face whatsoever.

  Hans grabbed one of the figures from the box and held it up. “Spain, the world champion. What a great team, and this is an amazing player, right here.”

  “Traitor,” Aad growled. “We should have never lost that game!”

  Because Niels didn’t respond very enthusiastically, Hans quickly put the figure back and grabbed a more obvious choice. “Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the top-scoring Dutch player.”

  It seemed as if it all passed by unnoticed by Niels. He stared motionless at the box.

  Hans didn’t understand his son’s instant mood change at all. Quickly he looked at Petra and her mother, both of whom were looking with a great deal of worry at their son and grandson. “Is something wrong, Niels? Check it out—isn’t this great? Here you go … the living legends, the godly yellow canaries. Brazil, undoubtedly the best team in the world!”

  “Put that away!” he snapped at his father, who held the doll in front of him. Niels’s reaction came as a complete surprise to everyone. Before Hans had a chance to respond, Niels raised his voice and hit the doll from his father’s hand. “I said put it away!”

  Aad stood up and tried to get his grandson’s attention. “Hey, they’re not that bad, those Brazilians? In my day …”

  “Stop it! I don’t want to see that shirt ever again!”

  “Now, now, son …” Aad protested.

  “Dad!” Holding back her rage, Petra made an attempt to stop her father.

  “Can’t you see that the poor boy is in distress?!” Cora hissed.

  “But …”

  “No buts. Sit back down and leave him alone.”

  Aad mumbled that he had only meant to be nice, but quickly did what his wife had asked him to do. Hans tried to calm Niels down by placing the whole box behind the chair. Koen crept over to look at the play figures, and Maaike slouched across her mother’s leg. “Is Niels mad, Mommy?”

  “No, sweetie, he just doesn’t like soccer very much. Look, did you notice that your pony can change color when you wash it?” Laura picked up her daughter and walked into the kitchen with the present. On her way, she nodded to her husband, Bert, to follow her and to bring their son, Koen, along. “Come on, Koen; let’s go get something to drink.”

  Once things had settled down in the room and Niels had calmed down a little, Hans tried to talk to him. “There,” he tried to say in a very jovial way, “the box is gone.”

  Niels slowly shook his head. “Only the shirt has to go, the rest can stay.”

  “Why does the shirt have to go?”

  “Because! I don’t ever want to see it again. It is bad.”

  Hans wanted to ask more, but realized that he may cause even more unrest. This was clearly one of those moments that Wim had talked about, but now he had experienced it for himself for the first time. He grabbed the action figure from the floor and hid it behind the couch.

  Then he pulled out the box from behind the chair. “There you go, sir. All of the great players are back, and we gave the bad guy a time-out.”

  Niels smiled faintly.

  After the incident with the action figure, Cora picked up where she left off with passing out the gifts. There were still a few gifts left to go, and Bert and Laura came in from the kitchen with a tray of drinks. Everyone tried to remain as cheerful as possible, but the mood wasn’t nearly as relaxed as it had been earlier. After the last gift was handed out Cora returned to the kitchen to clean up a little and to get the last round of drinks for everyone and Petra follow
ed her. The moment they were out of everyone’s view, Petra fell into her mother’s arms. She began sobbing, and all of her pent-up tension came out.

  “All right, my child,” Cora whispered. “Let it out; it’s good for you.”

  “It was awful, Mom,” Petra said, sobbing. “Did you see his reaction? He was scared. Afraid of a little doll. What in the world is going through that little mind of his? What can I do to help him? I feel so powerless. My child is in hell, and it’s my job to get him out of there … but I’m failing miserably. We’re failing, because Hans is suffering just as much as I am. We feel so helpless. We’re failing him as parents.”

  Cora pulled her daughter closer to her. “You’ve had it, sweetheart. Let it all out. I totally understand that this must be incredibly difficult, but you and Hans must not blame yourselves. You’re doing the best you can. And you know Daddy and I are always here for you. Always remember that, sweetheart. We are here when you need help. Niels is our grandson, and we love him to pieces.”

  She started to feel her own tears welling up, but she held them in. She had to be strong for her daughter in this moment.

  Just then Hans came in. Without saying a word, he turned around and walked back into the living room. He would have preferred to hug Petra himself, and it hurt him to see her this way, but for now he would let her be with her mother. Apparently, she needed her mother more than him right now.

  Back in the living room, he watched their son on the floor in his karate uniform with his back turned to the box of soccer action figures. He seemed to be fully engaged with the Lego structure that he was building with Koen. Thankfully, January was right around the corner. Then Niels could start his karate lessons, and hopefully things would become better for him. They had worried for a moment that he might refuse to go. To be confronted with new people, learn new things. But he seemed to be looking forward to it; in fact, he had been so excited about it that he’d put on his karate uniform the moment he unwrapped it. Surely, it would all work out and get better eventually, but Hans found it difficult to remain optimistic. He had taken his vacation days to spend some quality time with his family, but caught himself feeling a bit ambivalent about it. He was suddenly overcome with a need to hold Niels tightly and never let him go.